People always question about the psychological well being of a suicide person without the primary understanding of how it feels to be hurt deep inside without any medication to ease the pain. Though it would be to ask about the reasoning behind the suicide attempts, but none seem to ask about the support they use to have or the emotional rupture of that person.
Maybe its because that we living being have never came across such devastating lost and hurt and always having things going smoothly for them. Yea, there might be some of them who are born disable, without any limps or what not to have survive a victor. But the difference is whether they are able to do it without having anyone supporting them, or even to just talk to without paying a psychiatric fee.
In truth, I have never spoken to anyone about this... Well, maybe just one of my best friend from secondary school. I use to have the desire to give up on life, thinking to myself ways of how I can do that. Maybe throw myself off the roof of a building, or put a knife standing with its pointy end facing upwards at the bottom stairs and pretend to accidentally fall over the railings, or maybe just run away from home with the hope of someone kidnapping me and kill me... (awful things this is... I know especially having to write them down and reading them again... eissh). But yeah, that was my past. What can I say? I didn't have anyone I could truly talk to, the teacher that I had trust the most had transfer to another place at the beginning of my second year... That was a total loss for me. Slowly, one by one, the people I value began to walk out from my life and focus more on theirs... Can't really blame them though, they have their own life and families to take care of.
But that is that... Done for... And now, for this past few years, I have put myself in some deep shit when it comes to having relationship with guys... No, I do not play with fire when it comes to relationship. But I take them openly serious. My latest relationship was the worst. It was with a guy from my classroom in University. We took the same course, hence forth it was where we get to know each other. We had some sort of small arrangement for our little relationship... rather, a two year contract as girlfriend and boyfriend, or at least until graduation arrives.
I know that we would be heading a different path after graduation, so it was only wise to do as such. But pity, because he is from a different country. So we did as best as we can. Currently he is just my best friend, one to which I have feelings for, but sadly, he could not return those feelings. Mind you, now that I start to think back, he has never return the same feeling back to me, because of that one small detail; he doesn't know love at all!! Anyway, we did brake up after two years... right on our graduation day.
But here is the thing, every time he brings out the period of our relationship, a dark voice inside me keeps on reminding me of how it had ended way earlier before our graduation. You see, I use to have a very bad temper... but of lately, it had vanish, or maybe just subsided from me. There was this one time where I was in a total piss off mood that he didn't understand, and whats with me being all tight up... ( I was never use to telling anyone about how I feel at that particular moment of importance). I still remember that day he told me that he broke up with me from that piss off day I had. From then on I felt betrayed by him, not that he was seeing anyone... It was the fact that he did not give me time to change, he did not give me chance to grow from my childish like mood swings. I mean, no one is going to have a perfect relationship without putting a fight with their other half. So yea, I felt hurt, it still hurts up till now... for almost three years. You see, no one is truly perfect, but if you got give it a chance to grow, to mature, then there is no longer hope... you have shattered everything way before the time is up. And I am not saying that I had no fault... but fact was that I was still immature at that time.
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Listening to: Dante's Prayer - Loreena McKennitt
Mood: Broken
Location: Hall, sofa bed
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