Facing Fear and Pain

I have always known to run away from my fears, run away from pain, anything that could remotely seems to hurt me, I just dash the opposite direction, never having the will to confront them. For 23 years I have been hiding myself in the dark, away from these feelings. The fear of what my imagination has implanted in my mind, ghost and spirits and the world of unknown. But these fear does not just come from those that we imagine. What hurts a human soul more is the fear that is brought forth from the person closes to you. And like what Bill Champton said in True Blood season 5: "Vampires will always turn against those closes to them." I don't know about Vamps and so on, but I sure hell knows that people turn against each other at the most crucial times.

I have a friend, who always tells me to face the demons of my fears, that they are only an illusion cast from my mind, things that aren't really there that I had made real. He would say "if you're scare of the Devil, then walk next to it." What he mean to say was that once you face it, you no longer fear of it, cause you have been there and back again.

Right now my only fear and pain is within myself. The feeling of losing something to which I hold dear to my heart. I haven't been feeling this pain on my chest for almost for four years now, and it was a bliss not to feel it. This time however, it came back, twice of the previous pain and I thought I was going to die due to lack of oxygen. However, bathing in hot water really helps me to stay calm... maybe its the sting of the hot water touching the surface of my skin that makes the chest pain more endurable.

I am still fighting with myself about facing my demons. The only way I ever now to defeat them is... was... to run away from them. Yea, I know its not much of defeating them... but only the act of a coward.

Now, I have decided to cowboy up, put on my black shiny boots and kick some of my demon's ass. I have to face my demon once more this week, pray that I don't breakdown.

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Listening to: Don't go away - Era

Mood: Hungry (was cooking, soon to eat)

Location: Hall, study desk

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