Space for friends

Losing someone is hard. Losing a close friend, it just breaks your heart. But to lose your close friend in our arms, there is just no words that could describe the mixture of feelings, that everything just rushes in in moments of a millisecond.

What's Love?

Love... ever so soft, so tender, kindness and full of wonders and miracles. It is freely given, yet often, it is taken for granted. The love that we give to others, the kindness from our heart that represents so much more than words could ever explain. Though kindness and love is great, they are often being treated back with wickedness. Black and darkness from the bottomless pit of any human soul could bare. 

Journey to finding myself, pt 5: Misdirected

Considering myself, I am still a young baby lost in the world of religion. Only but a few months old of reading the bible, going to BFS classes and attending church, I find myself with a question but no answer.

My question was, and still is: "If a person born Chrisitian, does not follow the way of Christ, then what is the point of a new born being introduce to Christ by that very same person?" I mean, isn't that person support to act as a mentor, as a motivator? And not be going about teaching all that is wrong, and yet able to be so blind and so hypocritical about things.

Sorry, the purpose of this blog is not about that person, but about you readers out there to know what is going on in my head, in my life, and around the world. Because for sure, I am not the only one going through all these.

Somehow, but no impossible, I find myself moving not in a different direction, but rather backing away from religion. Isn't learning from Buddha about being a kind hearted, loving human being better than people back talking each other? It really make me sick to see that God fearing people don't even respect and love one another. They say they are not perfect, well, no one ask you to be perfect, so long as you try to improve yourself.

I know one thing is for sure, no one can control my life except me. I know God is there, will always be around us. He gave us his teachings, and gave as many path to choose from. But the message in every religious book says the same thing, we are the one the choose which path we want to walk on. Given people a chance to control the way I choose things for myself, it's wrong. Now it is time for me to take control from everyone, and start deciding which road I want to drive on. On road that would lead me closer to where God have in mind for me.

Which ever road that may be, one thing is for sure, there is something that I have to do before I can finally enjoy my resting days.

Journey to finding myself, pt 4: Purpose

Most of the time I wish i am in the fantasy world. I dont know what am I doing in this complex reality, what is my purpose being here? Even as a journalist, what is my purpose? To write? to inform? to investigate? To tell the truth? But for who? and How? If I were to write on something that I care most, and readers doesnt care much, then what is next? and if I were to write what reader wants to read, and its not my passion of topic, than what am I?

Telling me about ME!!

There are times I wonder to myself, about the companies I put myself into, the kind of people that I let myself to hang around with. My parents often 'warn' me about predators that seeks to take advantage of people like me, ever so willing to help those who ask for it, always ready to trust people without much 'knowing' them nor to ask about their true intention.

I grown up with books around me. Always hiding myself in between shelves of books in the public library, often for hours and hours on end. That was one of the fun time of my childhood that I can think of, always filling my head with stories from the fantasy land with talking animals and beautiful worlds with things that are childish in the real world. But I cant help it, especially when I only get a book once every year cause the prize for books were too much on my parent's list. It had to do, and now I quite a number of books that cant even fit in my book shelf.

Between fantasy and what is real;

I had and still am experiencing unexplainable things. Many people, especially those scientist often would say that there are always explanation to things, events and phenomenal happenings. But ever wonder if there are more than just science or religious beliefs that are going on in this world?

Recently, I met a new friend, at first it was because of my wanting to help this new acquaintance, which later indeed became someone of important in my life. I cant really tell what kind of importance this is, but I see it as someone that I would care for, like a family member.

But one thing caught my attention, compare to all the people I know in my life, that has been years and years, this new friend had only known me for about a month now, and yet is able to tell me about myself up front. Honestly, no one has ever done that. No one can ever do that anyway, cause they are too absorb with their own life.

The sad thing about this world is that every man is for himself. I don't know about you guys out there, but I haven't met a single soul that would put others before himself.

So much things to do, yet so little time!

I dont believe it, but doesnt mean they dont

Currently I am helping my cousin with her pre-wedding video. As what you can see on the left side, is a picture, their poster that I have successfully made. Donno if they might want to print it out and hang it one their bedroom wall or not. But its not a normal wedding poster, or wedding portrait. But it is the essence of their story. Hopefully it turns out well. See, this is the first ever wedding video that I am doing, without anyone's help, no assistant, no camera man, no sound man, but just me... a one man standing on the deserted desert... not to mention, I am not even a man, just a normal everyday life girl who just know a little of everything. Trust me, I rather know one thing professionally than to one a lot of things and not being of any good at them.

Facing Fear and Pain

I have always known to run away from my fears, run away from pain, anything that could remotely seems to hurt me, I just dash the opposite direction, never having the will to confront them. For 23 years I have been hiding myself in the dark, away from these feelings. The fear of what my imagination has implanted in my mind, ghost and spirits and the world of unknown. But these fear does not just come from those that we imagine. What hurts a human soul more is the fear that is brought forth from the person closes to you. And like what Bill Champton said in True Blood season 5: "Vampires will always turn against those closes to them." I don't know about Vamps and so on, but I sure hell knows that people turn against each other at the most crucial times.

Hurt of a Relationship

It hasn't been the first time where I had voluntarily hurt myself, physically as well as emotionally. The most disturbing part is that I am able to do it over and over again rather than to crawl out of this pathetic hole I had dug myself into.

People always question about the psychological well being of a suicide person without the primary understanding of how it feels to be hurt deep inside without any medication to ease the pain. Though it would be to ask about the reasoning behind the suicide attempts, but none seem to ask about the support they use to have or the emotional rupture of that person.

A new start

Okay, I am admitting myself here, I suck in blogging. Writing a dairy, yeah, sure... that is as hell easy as talking to myself in the mirror or like the time I am talking to God silently in my own brain. But writing what matters for the public reader isn't as easy as taking a candy from a child... or at this moment, kissing a random handsome stranger on the street! Not that I am kissing anyone at the moment... I mean seriously...

Slowly disappearing to nothing-ness

I have a friend, who used to be my best friend. We met in college, studied the same degree, took the same ride home and together we graduated. For almost two years, and that is how my relationship with him ended, by wearing in those black graduation gown with a flat square board resting on my head as I walk across the stage in front of millions, to take my certificate in hand. 

That was the last of my status being ‘In-Relationship’.

Standing Alone

I still stand that where ever you go, you will always be alone. A lot of things have been happening lately. Things got way more busy at work, but I seem to have improve a lot in product photography. Which makes me think of doing a freelance job as a product photographer. Obviously anyone can do that, even those that has no experience what so ever.

This time around, I feel so lonely. Even though I have people around me, but none seem to understand what I had to go through this pass few weeks, and what I am still going through. But what the heck, every man for himself. I concluded that no one understands you except you. If my own family cant even understand me, who will? The only person who I can truly count on is my best friend, and he too also has his own problem that he is trying to solve with difficulty. I cant always throw my troubles on him.

This days its been hard to talk with her. Maybe its because there are certain things in me that I cant tell her, and she is making it even harder for me to open up to her like I used too. Now I just dont know her anymore, yet I owe her a lot of my life. This I must pay back. I need to pay back everything that I owe to her and to my father. It is not because I am a good caring child. My reasons are more selfish basis. I want a name for my own, and not be titled as someone's belonging. My things are not mine unless I pay the whole amount back.