Hurt of a Relationship

It hasn't been the first time where I had voluntarily hurt myself, physically as well as emotionally. The most disturbing part is that I am able to do it over and over again rather than to crawl out of this pathetic hole I had dug myself into.

People always question about the psychological well being of a suicide person without the primary understanding of how it feels to be hurt deep inside without any medication to ease the pain. Though it would be to ask about the reasoning behind the suicide attempts, but none seem to ask about the support they use to have or the emotional rupture of that person.

My Lonely Lore

I present you with a little poetry I had written myself this night:

I stare at the silent starry night

The cold wind blew gently

Dancing with the hairs on my naked skin

Soft as they seem, the golden brown sand beneath my feet

Where oh where shall I go on this Silent Night?

My heart Thump Tily Thump

Like the sound of the African drum

If only you're here, to see them on my thumb

Just how the sound of rhythmic rum

Where oh where shall I go on this Mid Night Run?

To part, we did, never more,

To say I shall, neither nor,

For you it might be a core,

But what is more than to say no more?

Where oh where shall I cry my lonely Lore?

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Listening to Loreena McKennitt - The Mummer's Dance

Mood: Inspired

Location: Hall, sofa bed

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A new start

Okay, I am admitting myself here, I suck in blogging. Writing a dairy, yeah, sure... that is as hell easy as talking to myself in the mirror or like the time I am talking to God silently in my own brain. But writing what matters for the public reader isn't as easy as taking a candy from a child... or at this moment, kissing a random handsome stranger on the street! Not that I am kissing anyone at the moment... I mean seriously...

Slowly disappearing to nothing-ness

I have a friend, who used to be my best friend. We met in college, studied the same degree, took the same ride home and together we graduated. For almost two years, and that is how my relationship with him ended, by wearing in those black graduation gown with a flat square board resting on my head as I walk across the stage in front of millions, to take my certificate in hand. 

That was the last of my status being ‘In-Relationship’.

Standing Alone

I still stand that where ever you go, you will always be alone. A lot of things have been happening lately. Things got way more busy at work, but I seem to have improve a lot in product photography. Which makes me think of doing a freelance job as a product photographer. Obviously anyone can do that, even those that has no experience what so ever.

This time around, I feel so lonely. Even though I have people around me, but none seem to understand what I had to go through this pass few weeks, and what I am still going through. But what the heck, every man for himself. I concluded that no one understands you except you. If my own family cant even understand me, who will? The only person who I can truly count on is my best friend, and he too also has his own problem that he is trying to solve with difficulty. I cant always throw my troubles on him.

This days its been hard to talk with her. Maybe its because there are certain things in me that I cant tell her, and she is making it even harder for me to open up to her like I used too. Now I just dont know her anymore, yet I owe her a lot of my life. This I must pay back. I need to pay back everything that I owe to her and to my father. It is not because I am a good caring child. My reasons are more selfish basis. I want a name for my own, and not be titled as someone's belonging. My things are not mine unless I pay the whole amount back.