Facing Fear and Pain

I have always known to run away from my fears, run away from pain, anything that could remotely seems to hurt me, I just dash the opposite direction, never having the will to confront them. For 23 years I have been hiding myself in the dark, away from these feelings. The fear of what my imagination has implanted in my mind, ghost and spirits and the world of unknown. But these fear does not just come from those that we imagine. What hurts a human soul more is the fear that is brought forth from the person closes to you. And like what Bill Champton said in True Blood season 5: "Vampires will always turn against those closes to them." I don't know about Vamps and so on, but I sure hell knows that people turn against each other at the most crucial times.

Oh Shattered Soul

Oh Shattered Soul, my shattered Memories,

Looking thru the depth of our serenities.

Is there no place? Is there no face?

To be put only in such a pace...

Oh Shattered Soul, my shattered Ghoul,

Will it ever be our shattered growl?

Forever it be lost,

Only to see, thou, in our lust...

Oh what a time it has been,

Only to have ended in such a scene.

But what is gone for ever more,

Just a line stored in my memoir.

To say me last,

Is just a dust,

For what is must,

Now comes past.

The old road must come to an end,

For a newer has begin!

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Listening to: Cloud Atlas Sextet (OST of Cloud Atlas)

Mood: Sombre

Location: Hall, study desk

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Hurt of a Relationship

It hasn't been the first time where I had voluntarily hurt myself, physically as well as emotionally. The most disturbing part is that I am able to do it over and over again rather than to crawl out of this pathetic hole I had dug myself into.

People always question about the psychological well being of a suicide person without the primary understanding of how it feels to be hurt deep inside without any medication to ease the pain. Though it would be to ask about the reasoning behind the suicide attempts, but none seem to ask about the support they use to have or the emotional rupture of that person.

My Lonely Lore

I present you with a little poetry I had written myself this night:

I stare at the silent starry night

The cold wind blew gently

Dancing with the hairs on my naked skin

Soft as they seem, the golden brown sand beneath my feet

Where oh where shall I go on this Silent Night?

My heart Thump Tily Thump

Like the sound of the African drum

If only you're here, to see them on my thumb

Just how the sound of rhythmic rum

Where oh where shall I go on this Mid Night Run?

To part, we did, never more,

To say I shall, neither nor,

For you it might be a core,

But what is more than to say no more?

Where oh where shall I cry my lonely Lore?

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Listening to Loreena McKennitt - The Mummer's Dance

Mood: Inspired

Location: Hall, sofa bed

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A new start

Okay, I am admitting myself here, I suck in blogging. Writing a dairy, yeah, sure... that is as hell easy as talking to myself in the mirror or like the time I am talking to God silently in my own brain. But writing what matters for the public reader isn't as easy as taking a candy from a child... or at this moment, kissing a random handsome stranger on the street! Not that I am kissing anyone at the moment... I mean seriously...