Slowly disappearing to nothing-ness

I have a friend, who used to be my best friend. We met in college, studied the same degree, took the same ride home and together we graduated. For almost two years, and that is how my relationship with him ended, by wearing in those black graduation gown with a flat square board resting on my head as I walk across the stage in front of millions, to take my certificate in hand. 

That was the last of my status being ‘In-Relationship’.

Standing Alone

I still stand that where ever you go, you will always be alone. A lot of things have been happening lately. Things got way more busy at work, but I seem to have improve a lot in product photography. Which makes me think of doing a freelance job as a product photographer. Obviously anyone can do that, even those that has no experience what so ever.

This time around, I feel so lonely. Even though I have people around me, but none seem to understand what I had to go through this pass few weeks, and what I am still going through. But what the heck, every man for himself. I concluded that no one understands you except you. If my own family cant even understand me, who will? The only person who I can truly count on is my best friend, and he too also has his own problem that he is trying to solve with difficulty. I cant always throw my troubles on him.

This days its been hard to talk with her. Maybe its because there are certain things in me that I cant tell her, and she is making it even harder for me to open up to her like I used too. Now I just dont know her anymore, yet I owe her a lot of my life. This I must pay back. I need to pay back everything that I owe to her and to my father. It is not because I am a good caring child. My reasons are more selfish basis. I want a name for my own, and not be titled as someone's belonging. My things are not mine unless I pay the whole amount back.

Journey to finding self, part 1

The thought "What am I here for?" has always been in my mind like honey towards a wild bear. I don't know if it is the same for many out there, or perhaps I am just to drama queen, but I am sure there are probably one or two out there that might just think the same way as I am now.

Life, is it simply just because it is the way it is? Or that everything that we know, everything that we have had been through and experience things and live to tell about it another day just occur with no absolute reason? That things just happen because it happened so? Or are we all pre-destine to something larger?

I have always wonder to myself, what would I be like after 10 years, 15, 25 years gone by... What would I be doing by then? Would I be someone of importance or would I just be like every else who goes about their business and not caring about the world?

Would I be doing what I need to do or would I just be a normal wife to a normal husband and have a normal family like everyone else?

If everyone is living one and the same life that everyone else is living in, then what makes us different from each other? How would I say that "I am Kimberly Yeo Chui In, the one and only?" Are we all created to be the same and doing the same things day after day like everyone else? But what if, there is something more that we could do, something that we normally would not do, but because of the things that are changing around us, causes us to be better and to take action?

Question:
1. What if we were all born with a higher purpose, whether it is to meet someone, or to help someone in need that we are able to help them, or maybe, perhaps to change the world for the better?

2. Will we be able to learn what it is that we are suppose to do, or do with take a leap of faith? But faith in what?

3. How and where do we find these answers and how reliable are they?

Wishes To Savour

It has been a long time since I left home to start work as a photojournalist. I love my work. But I miss home too. Especially my mother's cookings. When I go back home for the holidays, I am going to bury myself in these:

1. Barramundi fish (Ikan Siakap) steamed in (fried) thai pepper, (fried) garlics and sweet soy sauce.

2. Fried chicken in chunk size in thick lemon squized souce.

3. Water spinach (Kang kong) cook with sambal belacan.

4. Fried carrot cake.

5. Red velvet cake

P.S: Happy Mother's Day to all mothers

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Location: Under the sun

Mood: Sleepy...

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Note From Author

I have no assignment today. Just sitting in office with my laptop, looking at the previous blogs from the years before. I never knew I could manage to write something as that awful and to even put it up for everyone to read! What an embarrassment to the world of writing.

I notice who I still got pictures from my junior years in university, with friends that I no longer friends with. Should I take them down? Seeing those faces and brings the saddest memories back. But I guess I should just leave them there for others to see. Besides, thats the reason why I write blogs... To share with people.

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Location: Office

Mood: Bored

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Poverty in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Poverty... What is poverty? Just another word in the dictionary with more useless words that meant nothing more to another human being whom set high up in the status quo. What is poverty? For someone who wakes up every morning, left the house with perfume tracing their steps, with a desk at the office, car at the basement and a family to go home to at the end of the day. It is no different from a man waking up every morning, walking to a clear spot on the street with footsteps to trace his every whereabouts, personal belongings beside him where ever he goes, and every where is his place for a home in the cold night.

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"Unsound"

"Unsound"
Memory hits the brain as hard as the knife could stab the heart.
The sound of beating against the wall was nothing but a neighboring scream that was only yesterday.
The night is silent, filled with loud sorrow of yester-year.

Hmmm....

I dont know what to do. I have my laptop next to my feet, my camera just sitting beside me, and with the help of Nil's music blocking out the disturbing noise of people. All this waiting makes me want to write up another entry. But without any clue as to what I should be writing on. I thought maybe an entry on prostitution and my ideology of it would be interesting. On second thoughts, maybe another time when I am in a right place with some fresh air and a clear starry night.

Life's Purpose

I wonder trully, if anyone really listen to every word in Taylor Swift's song "Safe and Sound". It kills me to think that people only listen to this kind of songs because it came out in the movies or that it was sang by their favorite singer, and not because of what the song meant.

My Future, My Destiny

Things are really getting weirder for me... Relationship... Am I really not good with people or is it just that i was hoping for too much?

Aidin's dream now a days has becoming more of a motivation for me. Besides them being look like some sort of messages from my other sisters, making him look like a mere medium,

The Going Gets Tough

It has been long since the last time I post an entry into my diary. Lately, there were lots of things up in my head. Some of which took hold the better judgement of me. Some, by far the most disappointing memoirs to be made for future lessons.

I admit that I have been away, from my fellow readers. From my college friends and close families. It seems that I have lost the touch of being able to communicate with people other than myself. Unsocialize, some would call me. But I do not deny... I have lost the sense of socializing. To my friends and families out there, I truly ask for your forgiveness and also your understanding.

It Is Never Too Late

I am 20 years old now, going to be 21 after 4 months. It seems that I have always celebrate, or more like having my birthday be celebrated by others during the day. But strangely enough, it was never during the night. Normally as I know, who doesn't celebrate their birthdays at night? Only me I guess... But what can I do? Yet there are others amongst my friends who would send some shock wave to my brain by only asking of what I want to do during my birthday. Honestly, I have never thought of that, seeing as I have never got the chance to do the things that I want to do. But thinking back now, maybe for my 21st birthday, I should treat myself to the dance floor? Clubing anyone? On second thought, I have been to one... and it was my first time there too, drinking Balihigh was the most wonderful beer that I have ever tasted in my whole youth life. Or maybe I should go watch a movie? But I normally watch movies even though its not my birthday... So what should I do for this year.... I have absolutely no idea at all. But if you have one, do let me know.

Darken Earth

In the darkness of the ebbyst,

Silence spreads across the lands, 

Leaving nothing in sight but only the nipple of the mountain top.

An endless stillness of the earth's magnitude. 

The burning of the core meant nothing but a glimpse of a slight hope.

Nothing more.